Bye 2017

Well deng, another year came and went. And it was another fricking year wasn’t it? Whoo boy.
Besides the obvious world-on-fire-everything-is-scary stuff everyone had to deal with, a whole lot happened in my personal life. And when I say a whole lot, I mean not a lot happened, but it was still super sucky.

img951_
Camera: Nikon Lite Touch AF
Film: Kodak Portra 160

2017 was the year that the person who said he wanted to grow old with me, told me he had never been in love with me.
That happened a few months after I found out he had been cheating on me during our entire relationship.

Yup. That happened.

Since I was already in a pretty dark place when this all went down, I spiralled into an even darker place. And I ended up being diagnosed with depression. I’m currently still trying to find the right therapy, that will help me with my depression, while also taking my physical disabilities into account. This has proven rather tricky. Plz to all cross fingers and toes I find something soon, ’cause shit’s hitting the fan in my head and it’s not good.

Those two things seem to have made 2017 a year that feels like one big dark blurb. It feels like it only started yesterday, and at the same time some days this year have felt like decades.

I’m doing my best to climb out of the darkness though. And maybe I’ll start using this blog again as a way to do just that.
For now I’ll leave you with another video (hello yes never not using my blog for videos it seems hello sorry), I promise it’s a good one ❤

Yes, that was my face the entire year of 2017! Fun times, dark times, all the times! See you soon cuties ❤

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Bye 2016

Well well well. It’s been another year hasn’t it? Whooooo boy.

Another year with profound sadness, and absolute happiness. Loneliness, true love, isolation, family, big changes, friendship. A little bit of everything.

And just like last year, I don’t feel like writing a long essay about it, but I couldn’t let it go unnoticed either. So here are 16 pictures of 2016, one from every filmroll I shot this year.

2016-1
Camera: Praktica Super TL2 Film: Lomography color 800

Started the year drinking ginger and lemon tea on my bed. This year has been all about finding peace in my life, both physical and mental. Happy to say I have succeeded in finding both.

Continue reading “Bye 2016”

Bye 2015

Well here I am, it’s januari 21st, and I’m finally sitting down to write my goodbyes to the last year.
I think part of me just wants to get 2015 over with. While another part of me isn’t realising it’s 2016 already.

These past holidays were the first time in a long, long time, where I wasn’t feeling the holiday spirit. I ended up having fun, seeing all my family, and celebrating together. But I just wasn’t feeling very festive.
I guess I kind of need that festive spirit to realise another year is around the corner.

So here we are, 2016 has arrived, and as it probably is for most people reading this, nothing is as I thought it would be a year ago.
So while I feel I should recap my year, as I do pretty much every year since starting to share my life online, I don’t think I will.
The year wasn’t exactly pleasant. I am more ill than I have ever been. And I am running out of options regarding therapies and doctors. The future is still a big black hole that I’m staring in to, and it never really stops being terrifying to be honest.
I didn’t get to see my friends very often. I didn’t get to see my family as much as I would have liked. Or at least, I didn’t get to do the things with them I would’ve wanted to.
I have felt as sad, frustrated and low as I have ever felt in my life. While at the same time I have felt hollow and empty and useless.
I have had days where I was in so much pain, that I really thought I kind of knew what dying might feel like. (Not many of those, thankfully, but they were there.) Days and nights where my asthma literally took my breath away. Days and nights awake in pain, or fast asleep from exhaustion. Unable to walk more than 50 mtrs. And needing days to recover from something as simple as doing my groceries (with help, and in my wheelchair). Giving up my volunteer job. My social life. Most of my hobbies. Feeling like a shell of the person I once was, in every sense of the word.

But despite all of that, or maybe because of all that, I also learned how to finally pace myself. How to listen to my body. How to say no when people asked me to do things. How to say yes when I had carefully considered if something was physically okay for me to handle. How sometimes saying yes because you just felt like doing it, can be a good thing. How to ask for help when it’s not given to you (okay, still working on that, but I’m slowly but surely getting there). How to allow someone in my life. How to realise it’s okay to shut some people out of your life. And how love really can be as wonderful, uplifting, exciting and amazing as I always wished it could be.

Some of this is just plain old growing up. And some of it is the result of the many years of several psychical and mental therapies.
And some of it is allowing myself to love myself, and put me and my needs before those of other people. But I guess that’s what growing up and therapy really is all about.

And here I am, recapping the year after I said I wouldn’t. How about that.
So here’s to you 2015, may there never be a year that makes me feel as empty, and may there be many more years of self-care, love and friendship ahead.

So let’s get to it 2016. I got this.

May-June 2015

1SE may-june

For some reason, each month is feeling longer than the month before. And I don’t know if it’s because of the sunshine, or becausing I’m making choices based on my health, or what, but it feels like I can enjoy things more. But maybe that’s just because I went to Greece for a week and had two (!!) concerts ❤
Okay, am only posting this now, because payback from both of those is still kicking my butt, but oh boy it feels good to feel somewhat back to my old self, even if it is in a wheelchair, and only for a couple of hours.

Continue reading “May-June 2015”