I haven’t posted here for over a month. Because honestly, nothing I did or thought felt right to put online. If I did something fun, I felt like a hypocrite for not showing how much pain I’m in. If I felt like crap, it felt like I was being a drama llama that was trying to get attention. Or at least I worried that people would think these things and worse.
I want to be open about my illness and the hardship it brings. But I don’t want to be one of those people who can only talk about her illness as though it defines her whole personality.
It’s really hard for me to find the right balance in my life. And it’s also really hard for me to find the right balance for this blog.
These last few weeks have been filled with extreme sadness over losing my job. And I find it hard to talk about, because the sadness is so big that it consumes me when I think about it too much. But on the other hand I am excited for a future in which I might not be in so much pain all the time.
As with everything in life, the way I talk about my illness with people irl and on this blog, is always about finding the right balance. I tend to go to extremes, hiding either my pain or my happiness. And I need to stop doing that. It’s okay to be happy and feel like crap at the same time. In fact, it’s really quite normal.
This year has been super duper weird. Maybe the weirdest I’ve ever had in my life. It’s been filled with extremes. Losing friends, gaining friends. Finding myself, losing a boyfriend. It’s been a year filled with immense sadness and pain. But also the year I’ve felt more able to relax and be myself.
I’m both happy and sad, chronically ill and excited for the future, a people person and a hermit. I’m full of extremes, as is any other person. And I need to learn that that’s okay.