Upside down. Inside out.

Remember when I said a couple of weeks ago that my health finally came first in my book?! It’s a good thing I had that change of heart. Because boy oh boy, do I need that state of mind right about now.

Short story: I can no longer be a teacher.
There it is. Black on white. I said it. Out loud. On the internet and everything.

Long story: After weeks of trying to go back to being a normal teacher, teaching two mornings each week, giving everything I had, trying everything I could think of, doing all the things I learned in my therapy, I crashed and burned. Everything hurt and nothing worked the way it was supposed to work. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t work on my exercises. I didn’t have energy left to go out and about and enjoy myself. I started to resent going to my school. And worst of all, my teaching became worse and worse. I had to focus all my energy on making it through the morning, standing up, breathing, sitting down, walking, talking. I didn’t have energy left to give to the children. When I realised how far I had gone, and how bad things had become. I told my boss. He said he saw it coming. I cried, he tried to not show how sorry he was for me. After about a week I had an official talk with an official lady in an official setting and she made an official report. So well, now it’s official. “the employee can no longer work in her current function“. Aka no more ‘juf Annika’. Not in the way I was educated anyway. Not in the way I had dreamed of as a little girl. Not anymore. Not for now.
My future is a big black hole. Filled with more official talks. And reintegration people. And looking for a new job. And more official people who will all have their own official opinion about me and my life and my future. Everything is scary and weird & everything feels calm and at peace at the same time. It’s like falling. The fear of falling is worse than the actual fall.
I’m still trying to enjoy the little things and I’m doing my best not to think too much of the future. First things first; time for my body to rest and charge itself up to the level I was a couple of months ago. I’ll see where the universe takes me after that.

So this is why it’s been a while since my last update. Because quite frankly, I didn’t know how to put everything that happened into words. I didn’t want to make an overly dramatic personal rant, but I also didn’t want to make anything happy and light and fluffy. Because well, as is obvious after reading the above, my life is kinda weird right now.

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8 thoughts on “Upside down. Inside out.

  1. Lief nichtje van me, ik hoop dat er iets leuks op je pad komt, van een geneesmiddel tot een hele grote liefde, en alles
    er tussen in het maakt niet uit, als jij maar weer een heel leuk leven kan lijden.
    Groetjes

  2. een leuk leven lijden, dat is nogal een contradictio in terminis… ik hoop het ook van die grote liefde en dat leuke leven, maar dan zonder het lijden 😉

  3. <3gewoon een hele dikke knuffel en oneindig veel liefde voor jou, want wat is het toch ontzettend kut en ontzettend confronterend om dit op te schrijven! ❤

  4. It is very hard to give up such a big part of your life, especially a part that so often defines you and your value in the eyes of other people. Be kind to yourself and your body and I hope you are able to find equally fulfilling ways to fill your time in the future.

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